1 Time

Time stands still….
It rushes past in a new york minute on a subway late for work
It passes unnoticed in a library after hours in a study session
It waits on a bedroom wall tossing as you search for love.

Time doesn’t heal the broken soul,
“It just takes time” is crap.
It takes rebirth. Rejuvenation.
And while that may take time, its not the time that we yearn for.
It’s the comfort from a timeless hope we yearn for
that one day a dream like state of reality will reappear in the blue shade of love.

Keep it real

On my day off I sat in my sweat pants listening to the radio, which sat below a dvd player which was powered on but no disc inside was playing. Top the dvd player was the HDTV cable box telling me it was 8:43 and that the digital recorder was recording my favorite show, indicated by the red blinking light. On the wall is a 42" plazma TV with the picture in picture feature enabled featuring on the main picture smut on VH-1 and a college basketball game in the window. Which by the way has the ability to move around the screen to a convenient location and can be viewed in two sizes. All the while, I'm on my laptop computer surfing the internet, wireless via a verizon phone card with an antenna on it. My cell phone has the internet as well. I'm sending a text message to one person, and talking to another simultaneously.

Does this seem ridiculous? It seems so overkill to me.

The reason I even write this is because before I grabbed the remote I was sitting in a my chair writing on a scratch pad of paper with a ball point pen. I was writing a poem about a baby. Just the dim light from a corner lamp, a pen, and a pad of paper; and the innocence of a baby was enough to entertain me for an hour and a half.

Keep it real.

New Quote

I would rather fail and have thrown myself to the depths of love with reckless abandonment, than holdback for the sake of security.

-M.I.

Yellow Eyes

Eyes yellow, heart-broken, jaw clenched, pride gone…
Lost in the skies of daydream terrors
Hunger pains have suddenly stopped, maybe overtaken by the heart pain or the love ache.
They shouldn’t have stopped. I don’t care for food. I think it’s the nourishment I don’t want. I don’t want to feel good or better yet.
I want it to sting so I never forget. So I learn. I always learn the hard way.

I was warned. They told me I would get hurt. But I’m arrogant, I believed I was different. I thought I would be the one. But I was only close. I made a difference in the eyes of a blue triangle.
Is that what I was supposed to do? Just get close?

I guess when you talk about love and forever, its really not up to us as individuals. My blue triangle was my desire. I made myself completely vulnerable and in doing so set myself up to be hurt like never before. But I fought…
And I would rather have failed at love knowing that I gave everything I could rather than hold back for security of self.

The burn is getting better. The shock has worn off a little…. No never mind there it is again.

This feeling is like nothing I have ever felt…
For the past 48 hours I have slept for five. I’ve eaten 3 bites of chili soup, 4 bites of a side salad and a yellow peanut M&M. I’m not sure if it’s the coffee and the cigarettes or the lack of sleep or the stress which is making me feel the way I do.
Feelings of shaky hands, twitches, weak legs to the point of feeling like I could fall but at the last minute it subsides and I gather enough strength to regain balance.
I think that is enough though. I’m not going to drive myself to the urgent care over this.

I think I’m lonely. I’m lonely in my spirituality, my friendships, my work. I need some change in my life. I can’t continue to live like this.

I woke up at 3a.m drowning in a pool of my sweat, but I was freezing.
Blanket on – sweat, blanket off – shivers.
I had only been sleeping maybe 2 hours. This body trance is taking control.
I starred at the preview channel for two hours before I knew I was awake.
Just starring at the channels appearing and disappearing vertically on the hotel television as my imagination played evil evil tricks on my psyche.
I was stuck in a hypnosis, forced to succumb to whatever I was being dealt.

Abstract Self Portrait (Part 1)

I painted an abstract self portrait one time to remember the happiest time in my life. It was lots of green and blue. Some white and black for balance but mostly just blue and green and a red triangle.

It said harmony when I looked in my eyes on the canvass. Most admirers though saw that gaudy red triangle taking up all that space on the canvass. It was beautifully painted on the canvass not tacky or too much... It was big though, maybe too big for such a small canvass, but it somehow fit perfectly in my abstract self portrait.

At a show I brought my abstract self portrait to I was asked, What does it mean? The man said, Where are you in this painting of yourself?

I looked right in the middle of that triangle where the red had bled into the blues and the greens and that little bit of space all around the triangle where the green-blue melted into the red… that was me. It took that whole canvass of throwing color to finally find me, but I guess that’s what I did.

Autumn thinking

As I drove through the mountains of Kentucky along I-65, the late autumn breeze floated lifeless crimsons, burnt oranges, and dried yellow browns about in such a way that made the end of a season evidently clear. The limbs where the colors once lived seem desolate, withered, and cold without the warmth of their foliage blanket...

Trapped in thoughts of past and futures, my present is succumbed by love pains…

I am suddenly that maple tree, growing along side a cool mountain spring with my roots firmly planted between the rocks that once made life so difficult to begin, but since has protected me and has made me stronger…

But like I said, I am succumbed by love pains…

My foliage security is gone, as is the sun and its warmth, and all that I found comfort in for the past season.

This change is new. Colder… With whipping winds in my face, and a deliberate lack of nurture, this is no spring day. Winter’s reckless force has attacked my survival and has made her intention clear. She will inflict all that she can. Extremes not fathomed by simple changing seasons, rather survival of the fittest… Nature’s frame of mind

The challenge has been offered. The vision of many tomorrow’s left for the sun.